<rant>
I really can’t believe that people are doing this, and that I hate it so very much that it has me ranting. In a news story that I was reading the other day, a paragraph started with the sentence, “Couple things to think about…”
Now, I read a lot (or alot for those that have skipped my previous rants.) I always have. My brain is used to seeing words and phrases in a particular order. When something is wrong with the word order, it makes me stop reading and back up to figure out what is going on. It is almost like a slap in the face. Over this past Christmas break, I have seen “Couple dogs…” and “Couple reasons…,” besides the above mentioned “Couple things…” All in news articles.
In case anyone isn’t clear what I mean, writing “couple dogs…” is like writing “pair socks…” or “deck cards…” Sure, maybe these are attempts at conveying the astonishing level of laziness at which the lower half of the writer’s face works. We do tend to slur our words together so that they sound like this sort of phrase. But, dear news writer, you have to bear in mind that I am not standing next to you, listening to you drone on and on, so I can’t get any hints from the way it sounds when you say it. I have to rely entirely on the way it reads.
When I see a phrase like “Couple things to think about,” my brain says, okay, what follows will be a list of things that couples do, and I should be giving these items some thought. You see “couple things” are things like walks in the park, shrieking at children, or staring at phones while sitting across from each other in a restaurant… I don’t know, I forget.
Likewise, when I read “Couple reasons,” I assume this is a headline about two people who, besides having chosen to spend their lives together, have managed to figure something out.
If you really are desperate to say ‘a couple of things,’ but can’t possibly summon the strength to type those extra three letters, why not double your savings and just type ‘two things?’ The words ‘two’ and ‘couple’ are interchangeable in this sense, you plank. Didn’t they teach you this shit in journalism school? Please go and slap your editor for letting this get to the public. The world will, or at least should, thank you.
I know I can’t stop you from turning this into ‘normal’ or ‘common usage.’ Just remember that, whenever I encounter this, another piece of the charred remains of my withered soul breaks free, and gets passed in my next bowel movement.
Have mercy.
Damn.
</rant>